A time when I really, really wanted something – time to share my feelings

March 31, 2010 at 7:26 pm | Posted in Daily Life, Pregnancy, writing workshops | 24 Comments
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This post is part of this weeks Writing Workshop hosted by Sleep is for the Weak.  It’s put together by the lovely Josie.

I’ve made a big decision to share a big part of my life, based on prompt 5 – when was the last time you really, really wanted something.

Deep breath, here goes.

In November last year husband and I decided to start trying for a second baby.  That ‘let’s start trying and see what happens’ decision.

That decision is one that many parents make.  And we all know that deep down it’s rubbish – there’s so such thing as just seeing what happens.

If you stop using contraception, you’re looking for a bun in the oven and you secretly hope it’ll happen straight away.

It’s now the end of March.  Nada.

We were really lucky that I fell pregnant with the bear in month one.

Things were different then.  We were travelling the world – no stress, no work pressure, no housework, bills to pay.  Just sunshine, good food and a good diet.

How things have changed.  I’m juggling my growing business with a fiercely independent toddler.  We have a huge mortgage and I keep breaking things.  Things that cost a lot to fix like cars and cookers.  I eat on the go a lot and my tea and wine to water ratio is a little hideous.

I am one for plans and lists.  I plan something out in my mind and if it doesn’t work out like that in reality I tend to take it badly.  I’m a glass half full person.  I’m strong and determined, but if I can’t fit things into the boxes I want them to go into, I take it badly.

I like a good cry, and I’ve done a fair bit of that over the past few months.  It’s a hell of a long time one month.  From the day that Aunt Flo arrives to the following month when you wait and wonder whether this will be the month.

November and December weren’t too bad.  Secretly I thought 2010 would be a good year to get pregnant.  January was disheartening, and February was a real blow.  March was slightly traumatic.

I took to my bed for an hour or so and cried.  I did the whole ‘heroin addicts get pregnant’ rant and ‘people fall pregnant by accident every day’ frustrated outbursts.

I guess it’s just not our time yet.  And I focus on the fact that we’re incredibly lucky to already have a happy and healthy son.

Then the irrational me returns.  I wanted to give birth this year.  I wanted a summer baby.  I wanted less than a 2 year gap between our first and second.

My husbands grandmother passed away five days before our son was born.  When I was in labour, I saw a young woman walk in to the room, stop by my bed and give me a reassuring smile, and then disappear.  I knew it was her.

I’d never believed in anything supernatural or spooky, but after this had an urge to see a clairvoyant.  Last April I visited one my sister in law has been to.  She told me I’d have a daughter with lots of curly hair.  Everything else she told me about my life and my work has slowly come true.

I am a grounded, sane and normal person.  But I like to dream of this little curly haired girl.

Me as a little girl



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  1. I know exactly what you mean when you say “there’s no such thing as just seeing what happens” the plan in your head is bonk, positive test, morning sickness, scans & maternity clothes. Life just, very frustratingly, doesn’t deal the cards that way. Thanks for sharing. Sending you lots of conception vibes. Cx

  2. I have tears running down my face. You sound so much like me. I am sending you all the positive thoughts I can. Keep trying and dreaming. xx

    • thank you, you know you’re particularly special to me and I really appreciate your support x

  3. Beautiful post and pic.

    It may not be my place and if anything I say offends or strikes you the wrong way please feel free to delete this comment.

    I am feeling that right now you need to learn first to mother and pamper yourself more before a new soul will come to grow inside of you. You need to let things flow and be less critical of yourself. Maybe part of the lesson here is that people like you and me who need to be in control learn to relinquish that control and just believe.

    Hugs and I know it will happen for you when the time is right.

    • definitely no offence taken, I really appreciate and value your advice and promise to take it all on board x

  4. I wrote a post today for the same prompt on the same subject although didnt mention it so I know exactly what that dreaming is like. I hope your curly haired girl arrives soon 🙂

  5. Similar thing happened to us, try reflexology it worked for us. Stress is a terrible thing and its incredible the effect it can have. Chin up- you’ve done it one, you can do it again xx

    • Will definitely have to try that thank you for the advice I really appreciate it xxx

  6. Oh honey I know exactly how you feel, I am on month 15 of trying its so hard. I am waiting to go to fertility clinic.
    Lots & lots of baby dust and I hope it happens very soon for you xx

    • Lots of baby dust for you too – love that TTC conceive has it’s own little world of acronyms. If you ever want to chat you know I’m here too, going through 20 tests a month! x

  7. It’s so hard not to think about it all the darned time. Takes me back, but (and I don’t know if this is helpful or not) but trying to forget about it really does seem to help. That and not getting too strung up on giving up caffeine/alcohol etc. It’s very unscientific, but I gave up everything trying to get pregnant first time around, and nothing worked. Subsequent pregs have all been booze fuelled. Not that I’m suggesting a crate of Chablis every night, but anything that gives your mind a bit of time out, whether acupuncture or a long walk, really helps. And tell yourself that it will happen. If you knew it would happen in six months time, you’d have a lovely six months, so think not ‘if’ but ‘will’.

    • Thank you, that’s really helpful and I have to admit, a nice glass of red wine with dinner is my treat to look forward to!

  8. It took my wife and I the best part of a year to get pregnant. Keep plugging away, it’ll happen 🙂

    • Thank you, really appreciate the support x

  9. I dont have anything positive to add, but just anted to say I hope that your longed for child comes along soon

    • Thank you that’s really sweet x

  10. *hugs* a heartbreaking post, I know how you feel. This weeks writing workshop has, for me at least, brought some comfort in knowing that I’m not alone.

  11. Oh chick! I remember those looooooong months. The two week waits when I was trying for Kai were some of the most agonising in my life! No doubt I will be going through the same emotional roller-coaster this time around too. It is such an emotionally draining time. I got really caught up in it all last time, I’m really determined to try and relax and go with the flow a bit more this time. Not easy though! Especially when you want it so much.

    REALLY hoping it happens for you soon honey. Sending every bit of luck your way!

    If nothing else it’s nice to have a TTC buddy (CD07 here!)

    • Thanks for the comment, it is so important to try and relax about it isn’t it – so much easier said than done!!!
      Happy Easter, maybe April will be the month!

  12. Hope your curly-haired girl dream comes true for you soon!

    • Thank you, fingers crossed!

  13. We had a straight away no1 and a long wait for no2. It is awful and you try to be grateful for what you have but the wanting is real and time slows down. Hope you get that BFP and bundle of curly haired joy soon.

    • Thank you so much, hopefully it won’t be too long xx

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